I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize
