This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
