i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The power of my boobs compel you
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
