ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
