so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
