Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
