I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
