Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
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I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So much rum. So many feels.
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I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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