I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
