My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
