THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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