Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
