i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
