so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
