I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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