I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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