it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
