I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
