WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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