Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
