My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
