This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
