You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
