sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
