he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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