On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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