totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
