Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
