It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
