I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
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We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
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For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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