i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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