i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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