Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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