I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
