oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
