Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
