She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
