i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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