I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
high people should be assigned attendants
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
