yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
