I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
