I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We don't watch enough power rangers
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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