It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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