Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
