So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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