I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
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Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.