***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
