just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
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I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
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BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.