I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
