Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
