Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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