the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
