Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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