Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
