Michael Bay diarrhea
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
