when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
